Reflections on pain and hope in 2020.

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Soundcloud: Reflections on pain and hope in 2020

2020 was supposed to be my year. 

I was the happiest I had ever been. 

I had a new and unexpected relationship, healthy and filled with love and trust and all the things I had ever dreamed and more. 

I had a successful career where I felt I could make a difference as a leader. Bring about positive change, and help people feel loved and appreciated.

Due in part to the unending support of my partner, I had a renewed fire and belief that with enough work, my dream job in Finding Nemo the Musical was possible. 

I had the world. 

For the first time, I felt known, not simply from others, but also the peace of knowing myself.

I knew who I was, and was happy with who I was... as a lover, as a leader, as a friend. 

I was satisfied, thriving, excited for the future... and ungrateful. 

I didn’t appreciate what I had until it was gone. 

Leading quickly turned into managing, backed up against the walls of time. tradition, opinion, policy, and stress

The relationship slipped through my fingers and I didn’t see it coming.  My heart shattered. 

Covid stole my both my health and my freedom for 58 long days as i sat trapped in a 15 foot room. At first so sick I could not move out of bed, then struggling to move without getting out of breath. 

I spent 82 long days trapped at sea, unable to touch land not because I had been sick, but because of inhumane CDC restrictions treating cruise ship workers like virus spreading monsters. 

My beloved career at sea, with all it’s faults, was lost with no way of knowing when it will return

Or how different it will be when it does. 

That dream job is gone. No real way of working towards it. It literally doesn’t exist right now. 

Even my back up job is not the right fit- teaching in the USA is a cornucopia of problems right now, and my heart is too stressed to take it. 

Going back to school takes money, and I am unemployed with a mortgage.

Around me my countrymen burn with righteous rage over injustice.

People take sides and cling to their own views so dearly they forget how to listen... forget compassion.  

I fell deeper into darkness than I thought possible. 

My thoughts grew scary. 

Some days all I could do was cry and sit in bed. Couldn’t even watch TV. 

I didn’t know how to move forward from any of it.

I lost my faith.

I lost my hope. 

I lost myself. 

During these months,

How many times have I wished upon a star?

How many times have I pleaded to God or the universe or whoever is listening in the dark?

Just one word: Please.

Please bring my love back.  Bring my job back. Bring my my life back. Bring my hope back. 

Well, unfortunately only one of those things will ever come back the way it was and I want it to... and I’m the only one that can control it- my hope. So I need to be the one to fight for it.

We’ve all experience tremendous loss this year.  Death, illness, job loss, separation from loved ones family and friends, racial inequality, financial insecurity, uncertainty. I don’t write all this to illicit sympathy for my specific plight.  I write this to stand in solidarity with those who also feel the same pain. 

I write because when I write, I remember who I am. 

I write because I may be down, but I’m not fucking out yet. 

And I’m going to claw my way back to myself whatever it takes.

The question that’s been haunting me is “What now?”

What now that I don’t have a career path?

What now that the person I loved changed their mind?

What now that I don’t have a dream?

How do i keep that newfound confidence?

How do I keep my identity and sense of purpose, when so much was wrapped up in how I related to others?

None of those questions have actual concrete answers. But If I’m not going to give up on hope, even when it seems lost, I have to at least try. 

So What now? I have the opportunity to seek out a new career. Explore options. Play. Try things. Open new doors i never considered. I’m smart. I care. I love music. There’s lots of career choices for people like me who want  to make a difference. 

What now? I navigate the messiness of the heart. Of the unique situation of being friends with someone who I know without a doubt cares for me, even though it’s different now. Of being grateful for being friends and upset at the same time. It’s accepting all the feelings. Grief. Anger. Unending love. Desire. Denial. Acceptance. Forgetting. Moving on. it’s opening my heart and accepting that it’s not a question of IF I love again, but when. And I don’t have to decide right now what that love will look like. Even though I want to. 

What now? I find gratitude that I have the time to explore new hobbies, old passions... see what sticks. Maybe I’ll find a new dream to strive for. I remember that in the past year, my life has changed more than I could have ever imagined - TWICE.  It can happen again. It wont be like this forever. 

How do I move forward with all these things, both painful and hopeful in my heart? 

To be honest? 

-Therapy. I have an amazing therapist. She gets me. She pushes me and validates me. She teaches me and questions me and believes in me. She doesn’t let me become a victim of circumstance. 

 

-Acceptance. Acceptance of my feelings and my emotions as they rise. Acceptance of my circumstance and that yes, bad things have happened to me this year and it’s valid.  Acceptance of myself, of all the things that make me who I am... and I think who I am is pretty unique and special. 

-Remembering I was ME before all the good things of this year, and I am ME after all the bad. I have lists to help me remember, of things to keep me grounded. It has categories: for others, self care, productivity (for days when I don’t want to get out of bed), creativity (to make something of this time). It helps.

But the biggest learning from this? 

An easy life is not a reward for “getting it right.” None of us is entitled to a life without pain. 

Somewhere along the lines, I got the idea that living life right meant being happy all the time. That pain was avoidable. 

Maybe it’s because I was protected and sheltered as a child. Full of privlege. Who knows. 

But do you know what I see now?

Life is FULL of pain. Not just now. Not just because of Covid in 2020.  Everyone loses love at some point in some way. Even if I find the love of my life and get married, I could lose that love at anytime. Growing old together is not a guarantee. 

Shit happens in life. Jobs get lost. Companies downsize. Cancer grows. Careers grow stale. Cars crash. People fail at their goals.  Markets crash. Parents die. Houses catch fire. Hurricanes hit, Tornados touch down and in an instant all is lost. 

Bad things happen to good people. 

But it doesn’t mean life is bad. Or not worth living. Or that things will never get better again. 

How many stories have you heard of people who have overcome adversity far greater than you and I have experienced? I know I’ve heard quite a few.

I’m finding pain brings depth. Brings creativity. Brings art. If you let it, it brings empathy. It brings understanding. A shared burden is easier to bear.  Once the grey of sadness begins to clear, the world CAN be filled with color. And I’m find it’s a deeper color than I’ve ever experienced before. The world can be clearer. It can open you and bond you to the people and world around you. 

I’m not saying pain is good or it should be sought after. And I’m not saying that I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take the life I had 7 months ago over the art i’ve found now in an instant. But I am saying accept the tears when they want to fall. Accept the anger when it rages inside of you. Let your body shake if it needs to shake. And breathe, invite your demons to dinner and ask them what they want to teach you. If we do, we all just might come out of our trials better people. 

It sucks in the moment. When I feel the ground has disappeared beneath me because my friends are talking about being back at work or asking me what is next, I hate it.  When I have to leave a store because my facemask doesn’t hide the tears streaming from my eyes because a particular song started playing on their sound system, I feel weak and broken.  When my anxiety pulses through my body and makes my neck twitch and jerk without my control, I feel embarrassed and exposed.  But then it passes. And it will for you to. 

Truth is beauty really does come from pain. I’ve written more poems than I ever thought I could. I’ve written almost an album’s worth of songs. I’ve had countless heart-to-heart conversations with others in pain who just want to talk with someone who “gets it.”  I’ve started this blog because I’ve realized I have something to say about my experience in this world and how it relates to others. 

Whatever YOU are going through, whatever YOU are experiencing, it’s valid. And it will pass. 

We will love again. Laugh again. Sail again. Be known again. We will hug again and dream again. And we will feel pain again. But we will feel happy again too. 

A good life? It’s not about avoiding pain...But It is about persevering, fighting for what you want and moving forward when it doesn’t work, and remaining open when the pain hits. 

A good life may not always be a “happy” life, but it’s a worthwhile life.